A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
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You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Mouse
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
“Huge”.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go