@mejustbeth

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

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@Tmoney68

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

@myonlymizztake

My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips.

@DomesticGoddss

Mom Math:

If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?

@NotOwenMeany

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

@DaddyJew

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

@DadZZZasleep

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

@Angibangie

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.