A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
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her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*