A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
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I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence