@Freak_N_Geeky

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

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@NaughtyZippo

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

@colegamble

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

@MelvinofYork

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

@Megatronic13

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

@Marlebean

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

@Mom_Overboard

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.