14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
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Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.