A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
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It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
do u think theres a butter planet?
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of