A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

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Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.


CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid


A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.


“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”


“the pizza boy is here”
It’s time, I thought, cocking my shotgun. I was sending this half pizza half man abomination straight back to hell


When I was 16, I thought I could slam and lock my bedroom door in the house my parents paid for. So they took my door. That’s 80s parenting.


[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING


If you’re going to attack me in an @, you better be prepared to give me like three hours or so to think of a good comeback.


wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No


Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?