A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

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My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea


The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.


I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle


Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not


I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning


If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.