@envydatropic
@BlackJerms
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
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@BlackJerms
@VerifiedJayy
How do Amish guys know if its a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
@pakalupapito
roses r red
violets r blue
sunflowers r yellow
i bet u were expecting someting romantic but no this is just gardening facts
@DanKCharnley
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
@Skoog
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
@brendohare
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
@SergioValenCo
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
@squirrel74wkgn
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
@PFTompkins
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
@dudeweedmemes
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings