@envydatropic

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

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@BlackJerms

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

@VerifiedJayy

How do Amish guys know if its a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?

@pakalupapito

roses r red

violets r blue

sunflowers r yellow

i bet u were expecting someting romantic but no this is just gardening facts

@DanKCharnley

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

@Skoog

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

@brendohare

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

@SergioValenCo

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

@squirrel74wkgn

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

@PFTompkins

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them