A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
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i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.