At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
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How do Amish guys know if its a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
roses r red
violets r blue
sunflowers r yellow
i bet u were expecting someting romantic but no this is just gardening facts
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings