A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
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*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
it be like that
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.