@JJSummertime

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

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@AGStr8upNinja

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

@iAmDelFreaky

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

@Michael1979

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

@RoosterMustache

“Where’d my boomerang go?”

Under there

“Under where?”

Hahaha I just made you say “underwear”

*boomerang hits me in the back of the head*

@thatUPSdude

I keep my car insurance deductible high just to help me fight the urge from side swiping people that don’t use a blinker.

@mommajessiec

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

@OakHill_

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

@mister_blank

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

@EndhooS

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

@CornOnTheGoblin

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”