A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
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Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
peep davidson
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets