A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
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[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.