@lecalabara

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

@Peauxtassium

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

@StinkyGr33n

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

@SlabBaconBP

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

@reallifemommy3

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

@djdarrellripley

Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.

Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.

Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.

@rolldiggity

Every Scooby-Doo mystery could be solved by asking, “1: Who is your most disgruntled employee?” and “2: Does he have access to a mask shop?”

@TomSchally

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

@sixfootcandy

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.