I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
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My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Important reminders
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
This is me
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it