a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

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Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.


My boss took me out to dinner to celebrate my promotion, but after he watched me eat ribs for 20 minutes, I was given a severance package.


Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?


[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.


Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”


me getting out of time machine i did it

wife did what

me i killed the guy who invented punctuation


Some women are freaks in bed, I’m just a freak, in bed, in a fuchsia giraffe onesie



Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”


[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never