a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
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[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
I have questions??
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
car not found
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome