Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
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My boss took me out to dinner to celebrate my promotion, but after he watched me eat ribs for 20 minutes, I was given a severance package.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
me getting out of time machine i did it
wife did what
me i killed the guy who invented punctuation
Some women are freaks in bed, I’m just a freak, in bed, in a fuchsia giraffe onesie
every time i read ROFL I hear scooby doo trying to say waffle
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never