@molly7anne

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

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@ObscureGent

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

@ComedicBust

My boss took me out to dinner to celebrate my promotion, but after he watched me eat ribs for 20 minutes, I was given a severance package.

@onion_an

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

@Darlainky

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

@Tommytoughstuff

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

@tweetsbyrocket

me getting out of time machine i did it

wife did what

me i killed the guy who invented punctuation

@itsallbollocks

Some women are freaks in bed, I’m just a freak, in bed, in a fuchsia giraffe onesie

@Rollinintheseat

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

@ShutUpThatsWho

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never