A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

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[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps


Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?


Me: I’m an actor

Date: Oh that’s cool!

Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”

Date: I love that movie!

Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.


I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.


My favourite mythical creature is the happy woman in the tampon adverts


[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m foolish with money

“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”



If the light turns green & the guy behind you honks cause he thinks you’re taking too long to go get out & start checking your tire pressure


My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”