A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

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*goes to heaven

Grandma: Just so you know, I saw that stupid tweet about me

*slaps my head



Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!


Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?


Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.


Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.


FRED: *removing villains mask*
SCOOBY DOO: rarent we rall rust rearing retaphorical rasks to risguise rour true rideous relves
FRED: what


Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.


Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.


Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.