A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
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As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
good morning
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty