@Mardigroan

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

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@jergarl

*dies

*goes to heaven

Grandma: Just so you know, I saw that stupid tweet about me

*slaps my head

ARE YOU HUNGRY YOU LOOK THIN?

@DJwhoknew888

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

@Adyaces

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

@INDlAN_

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

@WhatevaConc

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

@hippieswordfish

FRED: *removing villains mask*
SCOOBY DOO: rarent we rall rust rearing retaphorical rasks to risguise rour true rideous relves
FRED: what

@bartandsoul

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

@Jandalize

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

@mommy_cusses

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.