did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
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Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
My favourite mythical creature is the happy woman in the tampon adverts
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
If the light turns green & the guy behind you honks cause he thinks you’re taking too long to go get out & start checking your tire pressure
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”