@longwall26

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

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@TeaAndCopy

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

@boogersincoffee

i hate when you google stuff like ‘insidious’ it gives you the definition but when you google ‘butt’ it doesn’t. define butt for me damn it

@sweet_toof

Me: ..and a small sprite.
McDonald’s Girl: Want a large? All sizes are only $.99
Me: I ASKED FOR SMALL YOU DIABETES PEDDLER ok gimme a large

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

@Fred_Delicious

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

@jpeek01

Cute girl in the office sees me do something with my left hand
Her: oh. You’re left-handed too
*I pretend to be left-handed for next 5 yrs

@mereip

*maroon 5 band meeting*
‘Songs About Jane’ was a massive hit, let’s never make anything that sounds like it ever again. do u guys like disco

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

@meganyyb

Hey couples on Facebook that share an account, so which one of you got caught having an affair?

@VaguelyFunnyDan

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”