A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

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her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall


If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.


5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.


Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”


Life as a woman is just adding new body parts to your shaving regimen every year until you die.


Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?


I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.


“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl


[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion