a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
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[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Dead sexy!!
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.