@awhalefact

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

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@GrantTanaka

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

@iwearaonesie

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

@_davidlucas_

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

@HandyJack420

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

@tuckerflodman

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

@tiemoose

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

@samalmightysam

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

@Audenary

Judge: Sir, need I remind you that you are under oath?

Goldfish defendant: Yes.

@kelllicopter

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

@HenpeckedHal

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.