a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
You Might Also Like
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips