A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
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My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM