@River_Niles

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

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@Spaziotwat

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

@UncleDuke1969

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

@IamEveryDayPpl

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

@HughGoesThere

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

@ManJuggs

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

@LizHackett

A child in the coffee shop cried and cried until she was given a cake pop, and as I walked past, I whispered, “Your technique is flawless.”

@trojansauce

[getting a haircut]
BARBER: anything else?
ME: cut me
BARBER: what? no
ME: like sweeney todd
BARBER: i’m no-
ME:make me into a pie

@TragicAllyHere

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

@bridger_w

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”