A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
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Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.