If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
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I have a type: disappointing
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Best mom ever 😂
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.