A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

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If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.


[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him


Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Me: Here ya go.


I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.


Pro tip: To tell how far away a storm is, count the seconds between the lightning and the thunder and then look at your weather app.


Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.


Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.


Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!


Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.