A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
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I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
They also CAN sing✌️
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.