If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
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[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Son: What’s for dinner?
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
You’re my favorite person to yell at in all caps.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Pro tip: To tell how far away a storm is, count the seconds between the lightning and the thunder and then look at your weather app.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.