A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
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I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Am I having a stroke?
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Dead sexy!!
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Meat Cute
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.