A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

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If procrastinating were an Olympic sport, I would show up just in time to miss the medal ceremony.


“I have a bloody nose” – a British person emphasizing the fact that he has a nose.


[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle


Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.


*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??


Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this


*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem


House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.


[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it


I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive