Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
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My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Found the job I’m suited for
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence