You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
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Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail