A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
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Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
But is it really??
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Nice try, poison.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it