What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
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If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
Since joining Twitter, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I keep my friends close *lean in, whisper* and my anemones closer
“Sir thats very fun but aquarium policy forbids sitting in the touch tank”
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.