A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
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Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
FRED: right
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Its true…
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Accurate
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …