A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
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Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla