A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
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ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
cats when you pet them too long:
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”