A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
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[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10