@ClearlyUnwell

A wise man once said nothing.

You Might Also Like

@Adar79Angie

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

@TwinSurvivalist

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

@AmishPornStar1

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

@Reverend_Scott

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

@WheelTod

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

@Reverend_Scott

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER

@BaileyXPaige

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

@ZombieProblms

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

@niks27_shah

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

@Marlebean

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.