You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
A wise man once said nothing.
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I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
I haven’t even given you my order yet
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.