A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

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Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.


if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you


G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas


There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan


Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play


There is a woman on this plane going on vacation with a cat in a carrier. Because cats love surprises, travel, and unfamiliar surroundings.


*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*


*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.


Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.


I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.