@dlsims01

A woman always gets the last word in an argument, because anything a man says after that is the first words in a new argument.

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@EmissaryKerry

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

@animaldrumss

Publisher: Mike we can’t accept your children’s book. It’s far too stupid for even the stupidest child.
me: It was supposed to be for adults

@ShtFatGirlsSay

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

@deardilettante

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

@Mothpete

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

@ramblinma

Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?”

Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”

@imteddybless

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break