Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
A woman always gets the last word in an argument, because anything a man says after that is the first words in a new argument.
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Publisher: Mike we can’t accept your children’s book. It’s far too stupid for even the stupidest child.
me: It was supposed to be for adults
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?”
Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break