Sneaks into your house and removes all the labels from your canned goods. Shuffles them well.
A woman always gets the last word in an argument, because anything a man says after that is the first words in a new argument.
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Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I hope the next Rambo movie is called ‘Rambo No. 5’ and its just Stallone dancing through the jungle shooting a little bit of this and that.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
The first time a girl walked up to me and gave me her number I didn’t know what to do so I ate it.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.