Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
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I’m sorry…what?
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Marriage: When dating goes too far.