A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
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You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?