I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
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Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Me. Every weekend.
Me: *enters exam room
Doctor: Please take off your…
M: *unbuttons pants
D: I’M AN EYE DR DAMNIT!
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
When we draw birds we basically just draw flying mustaches.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree