@FeralCrone

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

- @FeralCrone

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@withanewname

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

@TheMichaelRock

*leaves one cupcake in work kitchen*

*watches live version of Hunger Games*

@lazerdoov

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

@birbigs

It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

@rickolantern

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

@jackiembouvier

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.