A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

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I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.


Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”


Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.


*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”


I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.


Me: *enters exam room
Doctor: Please take off your…
M: *unbuttons pants
D: ??
M: *pauses*


As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left


Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree