A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
You Might Also Like
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Blew out my flip flop…
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.