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@litfirebird: A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
@bridger_w: When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, "Now, what I'm about to say is correct"
@BrandonVine: I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
@jake_likes_naps: [accidentally calls teacher "mom"]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what's for dinner tonight
@SteveOHellNo: People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
@jwoodham: FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that's easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.