A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
You Might Also Like
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Usage Guidelines
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
let’s discuss
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake