A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
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friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack