A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
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The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?