When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
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If you think meeting your girlfriends parents is hard just remember? Someone is going to try to date Eminems daughter
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Down a flight of stairs.
That’s how I roll. 🙁
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
i wish i lost weight as fast as i lose motivation