@WilliamAder

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

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@starsnbars7

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

@SincerelyMen

If you think meeting your girlfriends parents is hard just remember? Someone is going to try to date Eminems daughter

@iwearaonesie

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

@jctwritesstuff

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

@AndrewsNotFunny

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

@catstronomical

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

@SamGrittner

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

@DirtMcTurd

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”