@BoogTweets

A woman in front of me is taking forever to decide on her coffee order. Might unleash the raw fury of my passive aggressive deep sigh but there are children watching

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@FunnyCauseImFat

My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself “I run this house”

@offbeatoliv

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

@nice_sugar_girl

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

@BlackJerms

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

@DulciePlaid

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

@sixfootcandy

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?