A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
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So true for me
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
respect
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume