*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
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I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I’m confused about plants
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.