WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
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Can I have the definition, please?
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Me: Hey, I’m here for the playdate.
Her: Where’s your son?
Me: Oh he didn’t want to come, but you said Billy had Star Wars Legos so..
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.