A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

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WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.




Can I have the definition, please?



The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.


[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie


People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations


Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!


Me: Hey, I’m here for the playdate.

Her: Where’s your son?

Me: Oh he didn’t want to come, but you said Billy had Star Wars Legos so..


15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope