A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
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Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
i wish we could shoplift online
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.