@dadopotamus

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

You Might Also Like

@dave_cactus

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

@T_Bonezzz

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

@Laser_Cat

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

@JanineEB4

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

@RobDenBleyker

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

@ThaJawn

Me: Hey, I’m here for the playdate.

Her: Where’s your son?

Me: Oh he didn’t want to come, but you said Billy had Star Wars Legos so..

@3sunzzz

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope