Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
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Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
How to dress like Lady Gaga: 1. Go to ikea. 2. Pick a object that doesn’t belong on your head. 3. Put it on your head.
Trying to open a Capri Sun is the longest relationship I’ve had in 2015.
So inspired right now.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Nobody is normal on twitter Nigeria 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
The person behind Wendy’s Twitter account deserves a medal