@dadopotamus

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

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@GrantTanaka

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

@tylerschmall

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

@SimplyNamedTron

How to dress like Lady Gaga: 1. Go to ikea. 2. Pick a object that doesn’t belong on your head. 3. Put it on your head.

@Sassafrantz

Trying to open a Capri Sun is the longest relationship I’ve had in 2015.

@clemwin

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

@CheryeDavis

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

@Pabloayodeji

Nobody is normal on twitter Nigeria 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

@TraciGrrl

Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?