A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
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I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.