A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

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Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.


[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt


I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying


Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.


While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.


Asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, “A way out” wasn’t the right answer.


The good thing about being a chubby chaser is you don’t have to run very fast or very far.


townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless