A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
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I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other