Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
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[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, “A way out” wasn’t the right answer.
The good thing about being a chubby chaser is you don’t have to run very fast or very far.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless