@junejuly12

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

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@MmeSurly

My favorite thing about famous people is that they can be “brave” and “daring” by just leaving the house in stupid looking clothes.

@robfee

I call bs on the Ninja Turtles having those ripped abs. No way you could do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me Ive tried.

@causticbob

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

@Otter_News

If the earth IS flat then maybe dinosaurs live on the other side, and we keep digging up their dead and buried.
#SteveThoughts

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

@JaneBadall

Expecting an idiot to admit they’re wrong feels a lot like trying to put socks on an octopus.

@KateQFunny

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

@catstronomical

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”