A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
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I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Cannot stop laughing at this
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
no regrets
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.