a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
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hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you