@behindyourback: a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling "HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER" and I want to trade problems with her
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@AristotlesNZ: Wife: How's the baby? Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot. Wife: Aw. His socks or yours? Me: Socks is the neighbor's cat..
@Cyd10e: Old men's pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits. At the end of their lives they're just a pair of pants with a head.
@VodkaThursday: U just HAD to be polite & hold the elevator for me. I could have had a nice, quiet ride alone. Instead, I had to be polite & talk about fall
@PleaseBeGneiss: ME: I got you a therapy cat WIFE: THAT’S A LION! ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach