@Dschnoeb

A woman on the subway this morning said “did you know the government is closed? Is it a holiday or something?” So really, we deserve this.

You Might Also Like

@Rollinintheseat

Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”

@MommaUnfiltered

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

@iLikeCatShirts

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

@MaraWilson

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

@DumbConfessions

Psychologist: Go to your happy place.

Me: *grabs car keys*

Psychologist: Where are you going?

Me: The liquor store.

@thatdutchperson

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

@heroinsdemise

“Removing my make up”

Or how I like to call it:

“Reset face to factory settings”

@RedRegenerated

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

@lecalabara

A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.