A woman on the subway this morning said “did you know the government is closed? Is it a holiday or something?” So really, we deserve this.

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Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”


11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.


It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.


I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people


Psychologist: Go to your happy place.

Me: *grabs car keys*

Psychologist: Where are you going?

Me: The liquor store.


Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth


“Removing my make up”

Or how I like to call it:

“Reset face to factory settings”


cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?


A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.