@junejuly12

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

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@Bookbunny6

Weight lifting male friend: Man, I had such a clean snatch.

Me: Same! Just waxed!

Him: What?

Me *smirks*: What?

@kidnapped_jesus

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

@jwoodham

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

@causticbob

A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.

@Mike__Lee

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

@LurkAtHomeMom

Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

@okaymachado

What do we want?

MORE EXISTENTIALIST JOKES!

When do we want them?

WHY?

@robfee

“I’m still years behind on Breaking Bad so I expect the entire internet not to discuss it until it’s convenient for me.” – Idiots