A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

You Might Also Like


Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.


Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…


me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first


Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder


her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see


psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”


Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face


Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.


Wife: Do you want waffles or pancakes for breakfast?
Me: “Or”?