A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
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USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
real
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I never know how much to tip a cow.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…