@junejuly12

A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.

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@TheOneTrueDisco

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

@stephenjmolloy

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

@girlnarly

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

@HeyoShellz

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

@mrjohndarby

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

@withanewname

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

@Procaffinator

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

@Playing_Dad

Wife: Do you want waffles or pancakes for breakfast?
Me: “Or”?