Weight lifting male friend: Man, I had such a clean snatch.
Me: Same! Just waxed!
Me *smirks*: What?
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
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Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
What do we want?
MORE EXISTENTIALIST JOKES!
When do we want them?
“I’m still years behind on Breaking Bad so I expect the entire internet not to discuss it until it’s convenient for me.” – Idiots