A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
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People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?