A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
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As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”