A woman sold her bathwater for $50 a bottle and I’m absolutely disgusted because mine are only selling for $30.

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I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator


*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*


I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity


Out of curiosity, where were you all thinking of moving after you’re done destroying the Earth? ‘Cause I assume you’ve thought that through.


[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out


[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?


BuzzFeed is selling all your quiz data. If you were wondering what Ninja Turtle you were in 2011 and got “Michelangelo,” good luck getting a mortgage now.


I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.




Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage