My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
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Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
I have never related to anyone more.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Cats (2019)
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this