@RobinMcCauley

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

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@KrunkedRobot

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

@_ElvishPresley_

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

@evervway

Someone: if you’re not deaf why do you always use subtitles?
Me, someone with audio processing issues so bad I literally did not understand what you just said: yeah!

@climaxximus

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

@TrainedHedonist

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

@envydatropic

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

@Donna_McCoy

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

@nachosarah

when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend

@birbigs

You guys, The Hunger Games movie is distracting us from reality- which is, of course, The Hunger Games.

@AimeeHelene1

*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!