A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
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If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Passwords are more important than ever.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…