a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:2;}
@Ms_WhateverV
A woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital.
So I pushed her under a bus.
You Might Also Like
@Hebafouad21
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
@tonyhawk
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
@obviousplant_
Spring cleaning checklist…
@Old_Pat_Bren
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
@Fred_Delicious
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
@abhorrent_wife
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
@DadandBuried
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
@TheBoydP
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
@ShortSleeveSuit
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot