@Midgetspar When someone’s all, “Words cannot begin to describe …” I’m all YES THEY CAN YOU HAVE A LIMITED VOCABULARY.
@Ms_WhateverV A woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital.
So I pushed her under a bus.
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@Midgetspar 
@Shenaniglenns ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
@iSpeakTeenLife_ Yawning Is our body’s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
@bornmiserable ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
@dubstep4dads i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
@retniw_nuf I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
@fro_vo Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
@OllyiConic waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
@barryjohnharper My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
@pittdave13 Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied