@Ms_WhateverV

A woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital.

So I pushed her under a bus.

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@Midgetspar

When someone’s all, “Words cannot begin to describe …” I’m all YES THEY CAN YOU HAVE A LIMITED VOCABULARY.

@Shenaniglenns

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

@bornmiserable

ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW

@dubstep4dads

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

@retniw_nuf

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

@fro_vo

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

@OllyiConic

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

@pittdave13

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied