NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
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Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
My life coach traded me.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.