A woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital.
So I pushed her under a bus.
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In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Spring cleaning checklist…
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot