A woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital.

So I pushed her under a bus.

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In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”


Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”


Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.


***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people


You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.


When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…


ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot